BGEA: I finally had to face the fact that my husband was an alcoholic and things weren't going to get better because he had no desire to change. He finally moved out because he said he was tired of my nagging, but now I feel guilty because I'm not around to take care of him. Should I ask him back?

I finally had to face the fact that my husband was an alcoholic and things weren't going to get better because he had no desire to change. He finally moved out because he said he was tired of my nagging, but now I feel guilty because I'm not around to take care of him. Should I ask him back? — Mrs. K.S.

Elsewhere in your letter, you make it clear that you still love your husband in spite of his problems -- and this is why you can't just forget about him or wash your hands of him. I commend you for your concern.

But if you truly love your husband, you want what is best for him -- and what is best is for him to face his problems and deal with them. But will this happen if you simply ask him to return? In all likelihood, he'll insist you stop your nagging (if that was actually an issue) -- but beyond that he'll probably just keep living the way he always has, and nothing will be solved. Don't, in other words, become what psychologists call an "enabler" -- someone who just helps a person keep practicing their bad habit.

Ask God to give you wisdom as you seek to help your husband. If you invite him to return, insist that he first get involved with an alcohol treatment program; your doctor or pastor can suggest one in your community. It may not be easy for him to deal with his problem -- but the alternative is eventual death.

Most of all, urge your husband to turn to Christ. God made him; God loves him -- and God wants to help him. The Bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13, NKJV). These words are true -- both for you and your husband.

5 Comments

po says 3.25.2012, 4:02 p.m.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!! GET YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF THAT SITUATION!!!!!!! DO WHATEVER IT TAKES, YOU ARE BEING SELFISH IF YOU THINK YOU SHOULD STAY! QUIT BEING CONFUSED, YOU ARE SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT CHILD OVER A MAN. IF NOT YOU'LL LOSE BOTH.

paula says 3.25.2012, 3:50 p.m.

Research codependency. That is your relationship and you will stress yourself out. Also, being an enabler is more than allowing drinking. It is enabling him to be less than his potential by you "babysitting" him. Was this God's plan for your life?

Barbara says 5.4.2011, 01:01 a.m.

I sent a comment to you on 8/22/2010 regarding my husbands alcohol abuse and that I told him to move out. I allowed him to move back home again because he promised he wouldn't drink anymore. Again he broke his promise. He went to rehab for approx. 28 days and stayed sober 3 weeks. He began verbally abusing our 14 year old son by calling him names and telling him he is worthless. My husband would grab my son and shove him against the wall and threaten him. My son finally had enough and began fighting back. I decided it was time to go so we went back to the women's shelter for three weeks until I was able to rent a house. I told my husband if he could prove to me he could stay sober eventually I could trust him again. That was the first week in October and it's now May. I have told him I'm finished. I will be 50 in Oct. and I can't spend the rest of my life worried if he will come home drinking and have my son be abused. Have I made the right decision? I want to be obedient to God.

Internet@bgea.org says 8.25.2010, 10:50 a.m.

Barbara, You said your husband is the head of a committee at your church, which makes us wonder if your pastor has been or is aware of his addiction and the problems this has brought to your family. If you have not already, we encourage you to seek the advice of your pastor or of a competent Christian counselor. Such important issues should not be faced alone, and we hope you will share the burden and seek God’s wisdom together with your brothers and sisters in Christ. Perhaps specific counsel may also be found at www.troubledwith.com, sponsored by Focus on the Family, a reputable ministry in the area of marriage and family.

barbara says 8.22.2010, 11:33 a.m.

I am in a similar situation. my husband has been an alcoholic for years. He was verbally abusive to me before we had our son and and has been to both of us since my son was old enough to tell when his dad is intoxicated. He has been to rehab two times, the last one in April for five weeks. Recently I have been to the womens shelter two times, each time one week. He promised not to drink anymore if I would come home (both times) but he did anyway. This time I told him to move out and get himself straight then he could move back home. He says I am only doing this because my son is making me. My son has serious anger issues with his dad because of how he has been treated and the name calling when has dad is drinking. My husband and I are members of our church and he is head of the personnel committee, but has not lived up to his obligation. Yesterday he told me that I had to make a choice. Either let him come home (he's been gone three weeks) or he's moving on. Since he has not shown me that he is able to stay sober and not willing to stay in his apartment til we can work this out, I told him to move on. He has had so many chances to change and I can't put my son through this any more. Have I done the right thing?