BGEA: The romance has faded from my marriage. Is it possible to love someone, but still not be in love with them?

Is it possible to love someone, but still not be in love with them? My husband and I had a very romantic relationship when we first got married, but now all the romance has gone out of it, and I'm wondering if our marriage is over. I think I still love him, but I can't say I'm actually in love with him, if you see the difference. — Mrs. E.M.

I understand what you're trying to say—but have you ever asked yourself what love really is, and also what love is not? Let me suggest you try to do this before you decide your marriage is over.

Love is a wonderful gift, given to us by God when He created the human race. But love is more than just physical attraction or romantic feelings. These may have their place, but love is much greater than them. A marriage built only on emotional feelings or physical attraction will eventually go stale.

True love says, "I am committed to you, and I will do everything I can to help you and encourage you." True love says, "I'm not just concerned about myself and what I can get from you; instead, I want to put you first, and I promise to do what is best for you, even if it involves sacrifice." The Bible says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. ... It is not rude, it is not self-seeking" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).

This is the kind of love God has for us—and it also is the kind of love He wants to give us. And He will, as we open our hearts to Jesus Christ, who was God's greatest expression of love. Begin your life—and your marriage—afresh today, by asking Christ to come into your life and fill you with His love.

39 Comments

Sanchita says 3.5.2012, 11:34 p.m.

Thank you for sharing this. Its what I needed to hear this morning. Sometimes we can really grow selfish when we don't feel loved. But I realize that love is not about me. If Christ never loved us more, then there would be no salvation for any of us.

Abby says 2.15.2012, 08:54 a.m.

God indeed is the friend of a wounded heart...all day yesterday i was wondering if i should continue with my marriage in shambles, just as described in the scenario above, but praise be to God for the answer.... I'll try to love again, :)

Jackson says 2.15.2012, 01:27 a.m.

I agree with you sir. true Love is well explained by Paul in 1 cor 13 and is God-given.

MADELYN says 2.14.2012, 7:49 p.m.

Thank you for this post, I believe we all forget this at times.

mitzi says 2.14.2012, 1:55 p.m.

great definition of Love

Gary/gayle says 2.14.2012, 1:14 p.m.

thank you for this post! and Happy Valentine's Day!

Beth says 2.14.2012, 1:13 p.m.

What most people think is "love" is actually just chemical attraction! Love that lasts a lifetime sees the person through God's eyes - I Cor. 13.

Alicetine says 2.14.2012, 12:56 a.m.

I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man I've known for a long time, we were dating and became best friends. we are both believers and put God first in all we do. We love God first then each other. we pray for a happy marriage blessed by God.

Bajah says 2.14.2012, 12:52 a.m.

Yeah u r right sir. God is love and every love affair or relationship that will work must start on and with Him.

Diane says 2.14.2012, 12:47 a.m.

We have been married for 40 years. I have great love for my 3 daughters and 9 grandchildren, but not for my hubby. I also got very ill at 28 with an auto-immune disease and nothing has been right since. Its my fault! I take full responsibility.

Pamela says 2.14.2012, 11:58 a.m.

The problem when people get married is that what ever they did to get the person they stop after getting them. You must continue to do the same thing AFTER you get married.

Ricardo says 2.13.2012, 11:33 a.m.

John 15:12 says "This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I loved you." Love is not a feeling, an emotion or a passion; love is a commandment, a decision and and action.

Jerry says 2.13.2012, 09:14 a.m.

Unfortunately, people enter into a marriage not understanding what real love is. Just wish my now ex-wife would known before divorcing and now entering into another marriage. I pray daily for her.

David says 2.13.2012, 02:24 a.m.

My wife and I are experiencing this kind of staleness in our romantic relationship. While our ideas on romance are different....we still love each other strongly thanks to Jesus Christ being at the center of our relationship.

Jackie says 2.12.2012, 11:06 p.m.

My husband and I have been married over 63 years. es, there are times when I haven't felt "in love" but we are friends and care deeply for each other.

Alice says 2.12.2012, 4:55 p.m.

Love L- long lasting, that does not mean you feel excited 24/7O-obvious by your actions to your spouse V-vibrant, WORK at it whether you feel like it or not E-envy - your friends will envy (and hopefully copy) your long-standing marriage

Bryan says 2.11.2012, 3:29 p.m.

Rev. Graham and fellow Christians, I've been married to my wife for nearly twenty years. There have been times of "stale" feelings...But, each time I've prayed to the Lord for strength and wisdom, he has answered with the type of love you described.

Lee says 2.11.2012, 2:27 p.m.

I totally understand this writer's statements. I believe that you can love your spouse and not be "in love" anymore. Things and happenings within a relationship can cause one to fall out of love with someone but Christ in us can keep us loving them.

Sharon says 2.11.2012, 1:34 p.m.

Thank you for this answer to what love really is. It's just what I needed.

Gemmel says 2.11.2012, 10:26 a.m.

I referred to my son and his wife who are going through a marriage breakup. Another person involved - irreparable.Thank you for enabling me to speak into their lives clearly about Love. Please pray that the message will get through.

Jackie says 2.11.2012, 09:55 a.m.

I just love this article and how it is ever so true!! Jesus Christ is true Love!! God is true Love!! The Bible is the best book ever written and within it is the meaning of life. To embrace it is the epitome of happiness, peace and joy!!

Roseline says 2.11.2012, 03:20 a.m.

I separated from husband for 26 years now, I have tried to reconcile with him but its not working out, I still feel I cant live with him as a husband again,mplease help me what do i do?

Rose says 2.11.2012, 00:54 a.m.

The Good Lord has unconditional love for us. That's why He died on the Cross for us.When we say our vows we are making a commitment to our spouse.People shouldn't take those vows lightly.

Tatjana says 2.10.2012, 11:03 p.m.

God has never stopped loving us. Love never fails. It's always good in those situation read 1 Cor.13. And remember that Jesus loved more than any of us because he made the choice to give his life for us and got beaten beyond human resistance.

James says 2.10.2012, 10:28 p.m.

My wife and I have been married for 61 years, and yes, we've had our disagreements, but our love for each other has deepened, largely because we made a commitment to one another that we meant, and have kept.

Judy says 2.10.2012, 9:06 p.m.

Since April 2010, Randall, my son, has been out of work. Please pray that God will open doors for Randall and he will find a job soon. He lives in Florida and getting discouraged.Thanks for touching so many peoples lives during your ministry.

J says 2.10.2012, 8:45 p.m.

This hit me right in the heart. I have been struggling to show my wife the love that she desires. Needless to say I have been self-seeking for too long. Thank you Rev Graham.

Patti says 2.10.2012, 8:24 p.m.

Thank you for sharing this article.I have been married for twenty years and feel that love goes in cycles. Sometimes good sometimes bad, but for the most part I feel it is enduring no matter what happens that holds you together<3

Lovidia says 2.10.2012, 8:23 p.m.

I believe Love recognizes and thrives through all emotions to find that first devotional commitment. There are so many things that work on us mentally that we are easily confused with who we are. If you can love him you can also be in Love with him.

Grietje says 2.10.2012, 7:26 p.m.

I love our Lord He is always in my thought and my heart. When I see what is going on in the world it must hurt Him and I say again that I love Him and there are more people that love Him. When I see people I think what a beautiful job our creator has done

Kristina says 2.10.2012, 7:25 p.m.

I am thankful to read this. After loving a man for 34 years, I chose divorce because he was destroying me,, emotionally and physically. There are times when even God says, "It is enough."

Thomas says 2.10.2012, 5:21 p.m.

Thanks, there is so much truth in True Love. I'm 71 and find that putting my wife first has truly given me the most heartfelt satisfaction and closeness to her. It hurts to see so many couples giving up do to boredom in their everyday life.

Jody says 2.10.2012, 3:30 p.m.

Your article is so true and it should be in the marriage vows. Something that can help is when you are feeling not in love with your spouse is to ask God to let you see your spouse through His eyes.

BOBBY says 2.10.2012, 3:27 p.m.

AMEN...THIS IS A QUESTION THAT MANY COUPLES COME ACCROSS AND TO THOSE IT HAS NOT...GOOD CHANCE IT WILL ONE DAY

rev. Wayne says 2.10.2012, 3:19 p.m.

thank you bro. graham for your biblical wisdom!

Donna says 2.10.2012, 3:19 p.m.

I wish I had looked at love differently when my husband was alive. I loved him very much, but I didn't realize you have to work at it to keep it alive and you have to put Christ first in your marriage in order for a marriage to really thrive.

Lisa says 2.10.2012, 3:05 p.m.

In regard to 1 Corinthians; to what extent does a spouse endure if the other does not take their part in the marriage; no reciprocity?

bill hagler says 2.10.2012, 2:51 p.m.

This is a wonderful saying and oh so true. God bless Billy Graham

Maria says 2.10.2012, 2:50 p.m.

I married a man with 5 Children, one of them is handicapped. She lives with us. The ex-wife has always made it hard for me to create any kinda close bond with these kids. I hope someday they realize that I am not the person she says I am.