"I Was Ready to Commit Suicide"
November 1, 2000
by Terese Luikens
My life had seemingly reached a dead end, and I was ready to commit suicide just as my father had done. The abandoned lake was before me. Though it was a warm, windless afternoon, I knew that I could never swim across the cold, deep lake. I imagined myself sinking silently into a painless death.
I had done all that I thought I could do with my life. I had moved far from home, from my past and, I thought, from my pain. Determined to begin a new life, I had planned to pursue a four-year college degree, but after two years my financial aid ran out. My applications for college loans and various jobs had been rejected.
The only option I could see that would release me from my feelings of hopelessness and my unchangeable circumstances was suicide.
But then the words "Jesus can change your life" suddenly came to my mind. I heard those words not long before at a church to which a friend had invited me.
That day the man behind the pulpit had spoken of Jesus as if He were someone I would want to know. When the pastor said, "Jesus can change your life," I remember feeling as though the pastor had spoken directly to me.
Now staring at the lake, I wondered how a person like me could gain an audience with Jesus. I timidly whispered His name uncertain if He could hear my voice. Hesitantly, I began speaking as if He could.
I told Jesus how tired I was. I had been working so hard to make something good out of my life only to be defeated by seemingly insurmountable circumstances.
Mysteriously, the longer I spoke, the more confidence I seemed to gain. Maybe Jesus
"Jesus can change your life." Yes, I agreed with those words. I knew that my life needed to be changed, but what could Jesus do?
I finally told Jesus that if He could change my life, then He could have my life to change. As I took myself out of my own keeping and entrusted myself to His keeping, relief flooded over me, and the darkness in my heart gave way to light. I was rescued.
That day I left the lake, realizing that God had a plan for my life and that His plan did not include suicide. I eagerly purchased a Bible and began to read it, starting with the Psalms and the Proverbs.
Every day something I read seemed to pertain to my circumstances: "I am upset and disturbed. My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom. Oh, restore me soon."(1) ... "You are known as the helper of the helpless."(2) ... "God is our refuge and strength, a tested help in times of trouble."(3)
Gradually becoming content with my circumstances, I waited on God to show me the next steps which came in the form of a new job, a move, and then marriage. I greet each new day reading from God's Word what He has to say to me about being a wife and a mom. I teach a community Bible study for women and study the Bible one-to-one with a mom in the work force.
I did not understand what Jesus was all about when I relinquished my life to Him. Now I know that He changes lives.